NEW SOUTH WALES
Named after a many inherent of a Home Countries and colonised by a initial call of convicts to land in a Lucky Country, New South Wales is now a many populous state in Australia. From a megalopolis of Sydney to unknown farming dungheaps, New South Wales facilities a opposite array of sh*t towns housing many opposite forms of d*ckhead. The state’s central competition is deliberating residence prices and a central passionate position is good underneath a doona.
Renowned as Australia’s easternmost point, Byron Bay is also a country’s biggest d*ckhead magnet. Every form of f*ckwit underneath a object gravitates to Byron: sharp hippies spilling out of their housevans, tattooed surfers fighting any other for territory, barefoot bogans fighting any other for fun, cashed-up Boomers flittering between overpriced organic cafes and bullsh*t galleries, and abroad millionaires shopping adult a whole city for holiday homes.
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It’s a arrange of place that corporate shills on their second divorce dream about relocating to so they can open a yoga shelter and bottom a dreadlocked barista on a beach. Byron Bay is Disneyland for dropouts, or a Gold Coast for people who cite their Meter Maids to have hairy pits.
Overrun by tourists and dirty with their half-eaten takeaways and used condoms, a customarily people who indeed live in Byron Bay are pretended trustafarians who incited adult for Splendour in a Grass and forgot to f*ck off home after a mushies wore off. These private propagandize cosmetic hippies use their aged man’s income to live a “Byron dream” and finance their ostensible “free suggestion lifestyle”, that indeed consists of wearing inexpensive trinket they bought in Bali while angry about other feign hippies, throwing herpes from German backpackers and generally doing vast amounts of critical f*ck-all.
Byron Bay gained inhabitant prominence for rejecting quick food giants McDonald’s and KFC underneath a fake that junk food didn’t fit with a “Byron lifestyle” — maybe if Macca’s started portion kombucha and lentils and giving divided hacky sacks in their Happy Meals it competence have got a Byron sign of approval.
Byron Bay is famous for a night-life, that consists of inebriated drongos and Schoolies outstanding any other’s teeth out and missile queasiness during passers-by. It’s also a primary mark for spotting whales, that is given Byronites were still slaughtering humpbacks as recently as a 1960s. A renouned underline is a Cape Byron Lighthouse, that serves a critical purpose of warning flitting seafarers divided from a finish wankeropolis of Byron Bay. We advise we mind a warning.
ALSO KNOWN AS: Moron Bay.
MOST FAMOUS PERSON: Chris Hemsworth owns a hulk outpost during Byron, where he goes to shun a pressures of being paid millions of dollars to dress adult as a superhero.
Coffs Harbour is synonymous with bananas, blueberries and bulldogs. The city’s many famous underline is a Big Banana Fun Park, a B-grade family captivate built around a hulk phallic fruit sculpture and showcasing all a fun things we can do with a banana, during slightest dual of that are suitable for children. Other unhappy attractions embody a sea reptile worker stay and a Clog Barn, that celebrates all about Holland solely a fun stuff.
“Coffs Harbour” is a misspelling of “Coughs Harbour”, so named given a town’s whole settler competition had smallpox. Consequently they were shunned by their beside settlements, causing a surpassing feeling that persists to this day. Coffs Harbourians are some of a many unfriendly, conceited and judgmental bastards one could have a set-back to meet.
They are fiercely unapproachable of their city, notwithstanding it lacking any points of seductiveness over a large yellow dong, a highway with 700 sets of trade lights, an NRL liaison and a bequest of birth defects from poisonous pesticides. Coffs is a coma beachside poor and informative solitude with zero to do though truckloads of meth. Indeed, it competence be a customarily place where there are no jobs though everybody still judges we for not carrying one. The customarily thing going for Coffs Harbour is that no NRL group will ever reason a Mad Monday there again.
TOWN SLOGAN: Far Coff!
ALSO KNOWN AS: Coffs, Cough Harder, Cops Harbour, Cocks Harbour, Bananatown.
MOST FAMOUS PERSON: Russell Crowe owns a sprawling estate customarily outward Coffs Harbour and mostly staggers barefoot into city to drown a few pints and snarl out a integrate of Cold Chisel covers.
Named after an strict administrator with a gusto for massacring Aboriginal people and hidden their children, Port Macquarie was founded as a heartless penal allotment before apropos a jail for aged people watchful to die. The strand snorefest is overshoot with dual of Australia’s biggest pests: koalas and a elderly, dual demographics famous for their low appetite levels, diseased eyesight and outrageous mating habits. When they aren’t going to city on a resin tree or indulging in some infrequent racism, Port Macquarie’s inmates are lustful of doing critical f*ck-all.
If New York is “The City that Never Sleeps”, Port Macquarie is “The City that Barely Stays Awake”. In fact, dullness has been legally mandated in a city to equivocate overstimulating a locals. Port Macquarie has been named a slightest affordable smaller city in Australia, nonetheless a income stats are rather lopsided given everybody is possibly late or a marsupial.
Port Macquarie’s categorical caller captivate is a Hello Koalas Sculpture Trail, where tourists can peruse over 60 away handpainted statues of chlamydia-riddled four-thumbed freaks. If you’d cite to approximate yourself with rugged geriatrics defeat out their wrinkly bits, opt for a day during a internal beach. Otherwise, there are always a aged traveller favourites of using all a approach home while screaming or pushing your let automobile off a nearest cliff.
TOWN SLOGAN: The City that Sleeps.
Founded as a transfer belligerent for Britain’s many dangerous convicts, Newcastle’s prominence as a godforsaken sh*thole still lingers dual centuries later. Named after Newcastle in England, New South Wales’ second-largest allotment has finished a best to replicate a namesake’s repute as a joyless post-industrial hellscape famous for a assertive locals, inflexible internal chapter and crap football team. The city’s inmates pretentiously impute to themselves as “Novocastrians”, notwithstanding a fact that zero of them can spell it.
Newcastle’s categorical industries are stuffing a atmosphere with poisonous smog, pillaging a earth and angry about people from Sydney. “The Steel City” is so lustful of a working-class picture that even a footy group wears hi-vis. The customarily things that evacuate some-more fume than a stacks are a droves of deros backing a CBD accosting passers-by for a durry.
Despite a blue-collar reputation, Newcastle is propped adult by a engorgement of open use jobs, creation it reduction of a “bogan Pittsburgh” and some-more of a “sooty Canberra”. Other Novocastrations embody surfers (stoners), musos (junkies) and footy jocks (’roiders), all embellished out in ‘Newcastle sports coats’ (jizz-stained flannelette shirts).
Newcastle is unusually unapproachable of a NRL group a Knights, notwithstanding a fact that they haven’t done a finals given 2013 (or roughly 6 primary ministers ago). In further to their considerable collection of wooden spoons, a bar is many famous for roughly going bust after being bought by a bogan billionaire, while their best actor is mostly famous for doing adequate pingers to kill a whole knowledge of wombats.
Until recently Newcastle’s biggest captivate was a large penis-shaped tower, that a legislature demolished out of ideal annoyance in 2018. The city now has zero to foster other than a rusted physique of a pier with a hoary CBD welded on, rows of deserted shops and a country’s biggest KFC. Hunter Street Mall and Marketown are renouned bashing prohibited spots, while Fort Scratchley and Strzelecki Lookout are where many Novoc*mstains are conceived.
Town slogan: NSW’s Number Two!
Also famous as: The Steel City, Newy, Poocastle, Spewcastle, Screwcastle,
Most famous people: Silverchair, a sh*tty Nirvana cover rope from a nineties.
Combining featureless civic stretch with some truly trouble-maker savagery, New South Wales’ Central Coast is a rodent aristocrat of sh*t towns. Boasting such attractions as syringe-littered beaches, thriving roundabouts and sh*t roads, a area houses a opposite array of a***holes including tourists, aged people, thugs, tellurian seagulls and people who work in Sydney though couldn’t move themselves to live in Sydney.
The poo in a Cenny Coast’s climax is Gosford (short for “Godforsaken Hellhole”), a area’s derelict CBD. Full of deros, druggos and lot bludgers, a epitomical sh*t city is ordinarily referred to as “Mount Druitt by a Sea”, “Sandy Parramatta” or “Nautical Campbelltown”. Popular activities in Gosford embody seeking strangers for cigarettes, mist portrayal your name on a sight or gripping your pants adult with a length of electrical cord.
“Gosford” is also jargon for a quite brief skirt, as a city is tighten to a holiday review called The Entrance. Appropriately, gosfords are a customary dress choice of a town’s untroubled womanlike folk, customarily interconnected with a skinny frame of fabric as a tip and no underwear, while a blokes foster Tapout shirts parsimonious adequate to uncover off a fruits of their trained steroid abuse.
Gosford is home to a Central Coast Mariners football team, who play their home games during three-quarters of a track on a waterfront. Due to a default of fans, a belligerent customarily has stands on 3 sides; a fourth borders a highway by a sea, permitting a Mariners’ customarily careless strikers to foot a round into a splash with unsurprising regularity.
Other crapholes along a Coast embody “Terrible” Terrigal, “Wrong” Wyong, and a activewear-wearing single-parent mecca Copacabana (named after a Barry Manilow song). The Entrance magically transforms into a Gaza Strip annually after being scorched by Sydneysiders over a Christmas period. The witticisms “God’s watchful room” and “the world’s customarily above-ground cemetery” have been co-opted to report countless retirement towns though were creatively coined by Spike Milligan for a geriatric stay of Woy Woy, a arrange of mini-Gosford though with even some-more coffin dodgers.
Whether we are an aged fart wanting to end by a sea or simply feel like removing stabbed during a beach, a Central Coast is for you!
ALSO KNOWN AS: Cenny Coast, Centrelink Coast, Mental Coast.
Cold, grey and stranded in a Blue Mountains, Lithgow is deader than a baby in a dingo’s den. The miserable spook city is inhabited by packs of sluggish towering people with wan skin and passed eyes, all henceforth ornate in trackpants, differently famous as “trackie daks” or “sex delinquent trousers”. The customarily daytime activities in city are sitting around, examination tumbleweeds hurl down a categorical travel and staring during people, while “night-life” consists of sitting around, removing crushed on inexpensive piss, examination a peculiar drag competition down a categorical travel and staring during people. If we do devise to visit, be warned that enormous a grin in Lithgow will get we beaten up.
Lithgow’s attention consists of countless mines, mills, plants and factories all shutting down as quick as they can. The customarily things still handling there are a sight hire that does a resounding trade on departures and a maximum-security prison. Lithgow was a site of a Small Arms Factory, a weapons plant manned wholly by people with tiny arms. The bureau went belly-up when it became transparent that a genetically challenged workers were significantly reduction prolific than their competitors.
Lithgow’s premier eventuality is a annual Ironfest festival, that includes a jousting contest and a colonial fight re-enactment, attracting virgins from all over New South Wales. A renouned circuitously captivate is a Glowworm Tunnel, that is renouned especially given it provides visitors with an forgive to quickly leave Lithgow. The outworn railway hovel is filled with intense lights that are incorrectly believed to be glow-worms though are indeed a bright eyes of Lithgow locals sneaking in a shadows and staring during tourists. In Lithgow, it’s not customarily a fresh cold that will give we shivers.
ALSO KNOWN AS: Liffgow.
A fort of blue-collar (or no-collar) bogans during a bottom of a Blue Mountains, Penrith is a super-slum scandalous for a competition of untamed housos, yobbos and other ruffians. Despite a lax inlet of a inmates, a Greater Western Sydney suburb is indeed full with amenities that any westie can truly appreciate: bespoke meth labs, magnificent pokie dens and loads of forest in that to censor a body.
The Penrith uniform consists of a mullet or rat’s tail, ugg boots and a flannel shirt with a container of Winnie Blues tucked into a top sleeve (unisex) with a Southern Cross tattoo on possibly a bicep (for men) or a right breast (for women). The many renouned entertainment involves unapproachable Aussie primary propagandize dropouts groan that they can hardly make their subsequent meth remuneration given prepared immigrants took all a jobs.
Penrith is ordinarily famous by locals as “Penriff” or “The Riff” due to a internal accent/speech impediment, a source of consistent difficulty for Sydneysiders flitting by on their approach to Liffgow or Baffurst. The suburb’s many renouned sports group is a Penrith Panthers, or in internal parlance, a “Panfers”. The NRL group creatively carried a scathing nickname “the Chocolate Soldiers”, that interestingly, given a make-up of their fan base, was not a extremist offence though indeed a anxiety to their sh*t-coloured jerseys.
Penrith is also home to a Museum of Fire, a reverence to a suburb’s prolonged tradition of civic arson.
Otherwise famous as “London for Aussies who can’t hoop a twentyhour flight”, Sydney is a breathless sh*t crucible raid by a treacherous layout, horrific trade and ever-increasing skill prices that meant a customarily people who can unequivocally means to live there are curved investment bankers, curved politicians and a children of curved media moguls.
Sydney’s iconic landmarks are a Sydney Opera House (which was designed by a Dane), Sydney Harbour Bridge (which was designed by Scots) and Bondi Beach (which was nicked from a natives). In further to Bondi, Sydney boasts an contentment of beaches, that would be good if not for a fact that many of a residents spend a infancy of their time possibly operative to compensate outsized lease or mortgages or stranded in clearly unconstrained trade jams. If we do find 5 mins to revisit a beach, it will be lonesome with tourists and Instagram models scrapping to take a ideal selfie. Night-life is no longer an choice after “Sadney” implemented foolish lockout laws designed to quell Australia’s favourite nightly pastime: doormat punching strangers while queuing for a dodgy kebab.
In many respects Sydney is indeed a garland of sh*t towns loosely amalgamated into a giant, sloppy, bubbling sh*tropolis. The eastern suburbs are filled with ex-private-school boys pushing midlife predicament machines, looking for their subsequent prize mother while avoiding being charged with insider trading. The northern beaches are filled with surfer stereotypes who exclude to cranky a overpass underneath any resources and will happily gash we for a ideal wave. The middle west is filled with paleo-obsessed hipsters sipping on a far-reaching operation of soy-based beverages while posterior a career as a “social media influencer” and vouchsafing their skill developer relatives compensate their rent. Southern Sydney is where flag-wearing rednecks theatre many of their competition riots. While a infancy of Sydneysiders like to fake their city ends somewhere around Annandale, Greater Western Sydney is where they keep their bogans, advantage cheats and impending ISIS recruits.
ALSO KNOWN AS: Sydders, Sydneyside, Sadney, Sh*tney, Sydenee.
Wollongong is synonymous with many difference starting with ‘un’: uncultured, unsafe, uninspiring, unclean, unsightly, certainly unpleasant, unemployment, defenceless sex, swoon and uncle-dads. Full of ebbing buildings and relying on a raft of failing complicated industries, a crime-ridden industrial solitude is radically a rustier chronicle of Newcastle.
Commonly called “The Gong” given of all a bashings, Wollongong is home to a far-reaching swath of unattractive characters including inebriated deros, strung-out needle fiends and an irregular series of personal trainers. Popular activities embody removing held in a coalmine explosion, removing glassed in Crown Street Mall, removing stabbed during a railway hire and removing beaten adult for carrying a wrong colour shirt or skin. Former duke mayor Frank Arkell once coined a word “Wonderful Wollongong” to foster a city — afterwards again, former duke mayor Frank Arkell was an purported paedophile who finished adult being brutally murdered in his possess home, that rather undermines his slogan.
Aside from ubiquitous assault and disrepair, Wollongong is famous for a beaches, that is advantageous given any length of time in city will leave we with a strenuous enterprise to travel into a sea. Unfortunately, pronounced beaches are all massively soiled by both internal litterbugs and Port Kembla, a city’s primary cancer formidable and spark export/heroin import docks. Wollongong facilities dual lighthouses, any as sh*t as a other: Wollongong Breakwater Lighthouse, that doesn’t work, and Wollongong Head Lighthouse, that looks like a hulk tampon.
TOWN SLOGAN: Newcastle for People Who Have Given Up.
ALSO KNOWN AS: The Gong, Woolly, Wollongronk, Wollonwrong, Wollonbong, Woollydong.
This is an remove from Sh*t Towns of Australia, Allen and Unwin, $20